alphonse etiquette's blog

Ask Mr. Etiquette

Dear Mr. Etiquette, I have a problem I hope you can help me with. I have encouraged my lady friend to be more experimental. A wise man once instructed me to perform the "test" with my finger in a lady's butty crease to test the waters before plunging in, but we both just end up confused and I am left the next morning with a hand with which I cannot hold the bacon-mayo-Skittles sandwich I so enjoy to consume every day. Any ideas?
Mr. Dangles

It is certainly time for Mr. Etiquette said to revisit this complicated issue, and revisit it we shall. Unfortunately Mr.Dangles, success for most people in this area is not likely. If it was easy to obtain, who would do anything else?

Step #1: Apparently Mr. Dangles is not having success with allowing his girlfriend’s natural tendencies to take root. You need to try a little romance, pampering, massage; making the object of your desire feel like a lady in every way.  I am talking about her butt, of course.  Pay this much attention to her ass, and your lady friend will probably let you do anything you want, just as long as you stop bothering her.

Step #2: The most likely problem is your girlfriend is worried about what your perception of her will be after this. You can turn this around on her by making it seem as though you will have a lower perception of her if she does NOT participate in the activity. Talk about how your mutual acquaintances broke up because the female was too prudish to engage in anal, or how your recently married friend agreed to get married only after his longtime girlfriend finally consented. Hell, hint that her ever getting married hinges entirely on the success of your actions.

Step #3: Taking this a step further, you could try feeding her those bacon-mayo-Skittles sandwiches you love so.  Then tell her “With the weight you have been putting on pigging out , can you really afford to say no to this?” Lowering a woman’s self-esteem will make her more open to suggestion. And if it does not, keep up with the sandwiches and thrown in a carton of Hagen Daz every day.  She will eventually get so big neither of you will have any idea which hole is which anymore.

Good luck with Steps 1-3, Mr. Dangles, and hold nothing back. Mr. Etiquette hopes you are successful, because Step #4 gets a bit drastic.

Ask Mr. Etiquette - April 2, 2008

Dear Mr.É,  I am having a debate with my lady friend and we need your assistance if you please.  What is the appropriate number of toilet paper squares a person should use after dropping the kids off at the pool? I feel that half a roll is ok after ringing the bell but she feels that less is the way to go.  Thoughts?

Humpelsheepskin

When confronted with a quandary of this sort, Mr. Etiquette recommends speaking with an area expert.  For this situation, it would be a bathroom attendant.  Obviously, someone of Mr. Etiquette's social position would not be expected to touch their own derrière, so Mr. Etiquette utilizes the services of the attendant to wipe for him.  When given this scenario, Mr. Etiquette's preferred attendant said he uses 9 sheets on the first pass, 6 on the second, and 4 sheets if a third run-through is required.

This is contrary to the advice of environmentalists Cheryl Crow and Laurie David, who suggested using only one square per visit.  If they would like to take over wiping duties at the Etiquette household and feel one square is sufficient, they are more than welcome.  Remember:  The First Cut is the Deepest - the new added verse will suggest wearing gloves.

Mr. Etiquette's new job

I am now writing for the baseball website www.bugsandcranks.com

http://www.bugsandcranks.com/category/arizona-diamondbacks

Check it out!

Mr. Etiquette Man of the Year Nomination - March 2008

NEW YORK —  A businessman claims in a lawsuit that he was injured when a stripper giving him a lap dance swiveled and smacked him in the face with the heel of her shoe.

Stephen Chang, a securities trader, said in court papers filed Friday that he was at the Hot Lap Dance Club near Madison Square Garden and was getting a paid lap dance when the accident occurred early Nov. 2, 2007.

According to the lawsuit, as the dancer swung around, the heel of her shoe hit him in the eye, causing him "serious injuries."

A man who identified himself as the manager of the Hot Lap Dance Club said he was unaware of the accident or the state Supreme Court lawsuit. The club's lawyer, Stephen Ateshoglou, did not immediately return a call.

On its Web site, the club describes itself as the "Playboy Mansion of Manhattan party lofts." The site says admission is $50 plus a one-time club membership fee of $10 for newcomers. Lap dances cost around $40, plus admission, according to the Web site.

It is about time someone took a stand against this cruel abuse.  Mr. Etiquette has lost count of the number of times he has suffered a bruised buttock, severe chafing of the groin, or boob trauma in the general facial region.  These animals must be stopped before they injure anyone else.

Mr. Etiquette News of The Day - March 18, 2008

WASHINGTON - The Supreme Court considers a landmark legal battle over gun rights Tuesday, taking up for the first time in decades whether Americans have the right to keep and bear arms.

In a major case over the meaning of the Second Amendment, a Washington security guard who wants to keep handguns at home for protection is challenging the District of Columbia's 32-year-old ban as a violation of his constitutional rights. A federal appeals court in Washington agreed that the city cannot ban handguns.

Clement, who is arguing before the justices, seeks to preserve all of the current federal restrictions, including a ban on new machine gun sales, a ban on felons owning guns and required background checks for new buyers of handguns.

But Vice President Dick Cheney joined a group of U.S. House of Representatives and Senate members in urging the court to adopt a stronger stand in favor of gun rights.

Is  Mr. Etiquette missing something here, or is the guy who accidentally shot someone probably not the best spokesman for loosening the restrictions on gun ownership?

Math With Mr. Etiquette

Mr. Etiquette has been watching the prostitution scandal with NY Governor Spitzer intently, mostly hoping his name is not mentioned.  But also to figure out how someone who has been a prosecutor, attorney general, and governor is able to afford $5,000 an hour prostitutes, which should be the bigger story.  Mr. Etiquette is curious about why no other organizations have picked up on this.

Let's work through the math on this one.  We can assume Spitzer makes approximately $150,000 a year, and this is the most he has made as a public servant. Placing him in the federal 25% tax bracket, and with New York State and NYC's high tax rates, his take home pay is probably at most $90,000 a year.  The stories about Spitzer say he was spending 3 hours at a time with the hookers, which would cost $15,000 per session at $5,000 per hour.  Even if he only does this twice a year, it would total $30,000 annually, which is a full 1/3 of his take home pay!  How could anyone afford to spend 1/3 of their pay on prostitutes?  And wouldn't his wife have something to say if that amount of his pay was missing?  Mr. Etiquette queries his married readers about whether their wives would notice if 1/3 of their paycheck suddenly went missing, or would just disregard.

If only the SAT had questions like this, Mr. Etiquette is confident scores would go up significantly.  Students would probably find this much more interesting than questions about Janie having 8 apples and Tommy having 2 1/2 for 3 cents each.

As usual, the media seems to be missing the real story here.  It is not that he was using hookers, but how a governor got the money to pay for this whole deal, it would appear he is doing something on the side to get some money.  Unless perhaps, he was an employee of the agency?  Those ledgers can be difficult to understand, maybe Spitzer was receiving $5,000 an hour instead of paying it.  Mr. Etiquette assumes there would be a large number of eager taxpayers willing to shell out 5 grand to ream the governor. 

Ask Mr. Etiquette - March 12, 2008

Dear Mr. Etiquette,

Your Walmart response was thoughtful and engaging, as always.  However, you just threw something in there about vests with explosives, and did not explain.  Care to elaborate?

Curious Guy

Unfortunately, the mere thought of entering the human cesspool know as Walmart stores got Mr. Etiquette so worked up he kind of went on a rant and got a little off track there.  The main point was that unless you are trying to bring down the organization, there is no reason a normal human being should set foot in a Walmart store.

The explosive vest was a bit of an exaggeration, Mr. Etiquette does not understand the entire suicide bomber culture at all.  How do these people get convinced to do this?  Especially since it is by someone who has not found the cause important enough to turn theirself into a bomb, this is quite curious.  Maybe Mr. Etiquette is a little more vain than most, but wouldn't most people have to think they would be of more value to their cause alive versus dead?

Sure, there is always the 40 virgins, but what kind of enticement is that?  The idea of a virgin may be appealing, but doesn't work as smoothly in practice.  There is quite a steep learning curve before they can really get the hang of the whole thing, plus there is the moral second-guessing, crying, and bleeding.  And these people's goals is to get 40 virgins, which you would have to break in and deal with all at once?  Who has the time for this, whether you are living or dead?  No thanks, Mr. Etiquette prefers to keep paying for his sex from the cheapest hookers he can find, the true professionals.  Much simpler that way.

Ask Mr. Etiquette - March 11, 2008

Dear Mr. Etiquette,

When is it acceptable to shop at Walmart?

Curious Guy

Never.  That was an easy one.

You want a qualifier?  The only situation where it is acceptable to enter a Walmart store is if you are wearing a vest full of explosives. Mr. Etiquette's problem with Walmart is not really based on their horrible employment policies, but that does make for a socially elevated excuse to not patronize the stores.  The real problem with Walmart is the impact it is having on our society as a whole.

 Walmart sells cheap trash to cheap trash.  Yes, you may get toilet paper for 19 cents a roll at Walmart, but Mr. Etiquette prefers to pay 23 cents per role and patronize Target.  Walmart has encouraged the American consumer to accept crap, and love it.  Why do you need to seek a higher position in life, a better job, or a better education when you can buy the same things them rich people have at your local Walmart?  Never mind they have actual quality products purchased from their labor, and your item will be junk any reasonable human would be embarrassed to have in their home.

Then there is the whole atmosphere at Walmart.  If it is to be surrounded by the dregs of society, Mr. Etiquette doesn't even want to leave the house. Agoraphobia seems quite appealing compared to the alternative of squeezing between 300 lbers in mumus to get your jumbo packs of Twinkees and bags of Doritos.  So other stores may be slightly more expensive, the fragrance alone is worth the money.

Ask Mr. Etiquette - March 7, 2008

Dear Mr  É,  I live in Wisconsin which totally blows.  I do love football but I have a bit of a quandry.  Why am I happy that Brit Favre is retiring?  I mean am I alone here?
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

There are a few others like you in WI, but not many.  They are called "sober people", pretty rare in those parts.  Those fellow sober people recognize that being mediocre for a long period of time does not translate into success.  Wisconsites love Favre because they really don't have any other options, so they would rather be supportive.  It is kind of like when your kid plays t-ball.  It is rude to focus on the 3 times he struck out, so you compliment him on the nice catch he made.  People like to ignore the many games Favre blew with reckless interceptions (he does have the career lead in this category, in case you forgot), the drug addiction, the alcoholism, the drinking when he was supposed to be prepping for a Superbowl (which he lost) (which also violated his substance abuse treatment program with the league, that any other player would have been suspended for), holding the team hostage for the past couple seasons and destroying their future; and look at only the one success he had, which was due entirely to Reggie White.

Favre, thanks for the many years of craptacular play.  You will be missed.  For about a week, then everyone will forget you even played the game.

Ask Mr. Etiquette - Leap Year 2008 Edition

Dear Mr. Etiquette,
I am thinking about running for President of the United States, with a campaign based entirely on spouting rhetoric about change, while refusing to give any specific details about these changes. .  I can promise people everything they ask for, even if my promises are in direct conflict with each other.  For example, I will repeatedly state that I will give everyone healthcare with better plans than they have now, and that their costs will go down.  Do you think this will actually work, that people will not see how far from reality I am?
B.S.O.

Mr. Etiquette agrees with your strategy 100%, and doesn't see how it could fail.  Mr. Etiquette can see it now, rooms full of rubes chanting "Yes We Can", without having any idea what it is they can do.   Yes We Can what, yell real loud?  Go get an oil change?  Very confusing.  Even more so because you stole the saying from Cesar Chavez, whose supporters chanted "Si Se Puede", except that they had a specific goal they wanted to do, which was unionize and improve their working conditions.

People will keep repeating that you are the candidate focused on change, yet no one actually able to explain what that change will be.  Maybe you will ask everyone in America to wear funny hats on Thursdays?  Or move a couple more half-assed steps toward socialism?  That would explain the use of Chavez's socialist propaganda as your campaign theme. Both would be a change, but Mr. Etiquette for one would appreciate a candidate more who had some ideas or something, rather than catchy slogans that meant nothing.

This would make the perfect setup for a joke, having all of these people chanting "Yes We Can" without even knowing what they are agreeing to.  Bill Clinton would have taken full advantage of this, letting it go on for a few months and one day adding "Suck Me Off!" after it, hoping most of the audience took him up on the offer.  Mr. Etiquette expects your plan is to wait until the Democratic Convention to reveal the twist, WWE style.  You will get the crowd chanting "Yes We Can", then rip open your shirt to reveal a McCain/Obama 2008 t-shirt, finally finish the chant with "Vote for McCain - bwahahah!", and smash a chair over Hillary's back.