alphonse etiquette's blog

Ask Mr. Etiquette - February 27, 2008

Dear Mr. Etiquette,

What do you think about the following story?  Is that acceptable behavior?

Jonny-boy

Court: Man put abortion pills in lover's yogurt

STOCKHOLM, Sweden - A Swedish court of appeal on Tuesday sentenced a 27-year-old man to 18 months in prison for trying to make his girlfriend miscarry by mixing abortion pills in her food.

The man, who was not named for legal reasons, had his jail term increased from a previous one-year sentence set by a district court in June.

In its ruling, the Court of Appeal for Western Sweden found the man guilty of aggravated assault for attempting to make his girlfriend of eight years miscarry by giving her a yogurt containing three ground-up pills. The sentence also included a more minor count of assault.

The court documents said the woman had decided to have the baby even though he felt he was not ready to be a father. The man ordered some pills on the Internet and fooled his doctor into prescribing others for another condition.

The woman ate the yogurt and suffered severe stomach pains and vaginal bleeding.

Jonny-boy, not only is this ethically acceptable, in your case it may be legally required.  Mr. Etiquette does not even think you would need to pay for the pills, just take up a collection from his readers, you would get more than sufficient funds.

Ask Mr. Etiquette - February 25, 2007

Dear Mr. Etiquette,

I hate going to the dentist.  It is such a horrible experience and takes forever.  How could dentists make this a better system?
Orally Challenged

Dentist visits are an area that seems to be begging for improvements.  The recent trend of giving out Valium or Ativan is certainly a step in the right direction, but why stop there?  Why not open up a bar, allowing the option to wash down that Valium with a martini.  Also, many patients could benefit from medicinal marijuana.

And here's a concept that will make someone rich: Topless dental hygienists.  What more could you ask for?  Maybe for a decent tip they will spread that extra-strength toothpaste stuff onto your teeth with their nipple.  Hell, put that in place and Mr. Etiquette will get his teeth cleaned once a week. Although maybe there is a complication to this that Mr. Etiquette is not seeing, have you ever noticed that you never get a hygienist who is overly well endowed?  One could suppose this might be a little lewd with them rubbing the sweaterkittens against you for an hour, but who's going to complain? Either way, this is a risk that we as a nation should be prepared to take.

Ask Mr. Etiquette - February 21, 2008

Dear Mr. Etiquette,

If a person could have an exact opposite, who would be the two most opposite people you could think of?

Curious Guy

Mr. Etiquette would like to apologize for not writing in so long he has been busy doing....  RIGHT!  Like Mr. Etiquette would ever be one of those douchebags who apologize once a month for not posting with some lame ass excuse about catching herpes from their dog or having their leg trapped under their 800 lb lesbian partner for a month.  Since it is free, who the hell cares?  People would actually bitch about missing a free column?  Like there are not about 8 million others to choose from?  Actually, scratch that last comment.  Mr. Etiquette is the only writer on the internet, don't bother looking for anything else. 

Wasn't there a question in there somewhere?  Strangely, the only two famous people Mr. Etiquette knows of from the city of Baltimore happen to be exact opposites.  They are Iron Man Cal Ripken Jr., and Iron-blazing and Iron-assed Omar from The Wire.  Strange how that happens.  Mr. Etiquette assumes every resident of Baltimore is either a Hall of Fame baseball player, or a homicidal, yet very entertaining sociopath.  Or a combination of both, like Ty Cobb. Pictures of both are below, Mr. Etiquette hopes captions are not necessary to tell who is who.

#2

#1

Ask Mr. Etiquette - Valentine's Day Edition

He used to be the cutest girl in school...

Dear Mr Etiquette,
I have a strange question for you. It's come to my attention a friend of mine is dating a transgender person, let's call him/her Smith. Smith was born female, but now identifies himself as male. He/She still has female genitalia and is not considering a sex change. But Smith dresses like a man & generally acts like a man. Is my friend considered gay for this relationship or just damn kinky?

Matt P.

Matt P., this is an interesting situation.  Technically, your "friend" is straight because he is dating someone with female genitalia.  However, because the significant other is a cross-dresser, everyone they encounter will still perceive your friend as gay.  Since this is probably his goal, and because he is dating someone who identifies themselves as male your friend is certainly not 100% straight.  You practically need a trigonometry equation to figure this one out.  On Mr. Etiquette's scale of homosexuality, your friend is a solid 8.2  Basically, he wants to be gay, but is afraid to fully commit to the point of getting assrammed.  Not that Mr. Etiquette blames him, seems like a pretty solid solution.

Several side notes: 

1. Why do people such as Matt. P. ask questions about their "friend"?  It is clear you are actually this person if you have intimate knowledge of the condition of the sherm's genitals.  And it makes you weird enough that you have friends like this in the first place, why try to backtrack? 
   
2. Why did you have to specify this was a strange question?  Did you think Mr. Etiquette might not find this situation odd without the disclaimer?  Does Mr. Etiquette ever get any non-strange questions?  It is hard to recall any about the proper time for guests to arrive at a party, or the correct knife to give guests with their tea and crumpets.
3. When you have to preface something with "technically", why even answer?  Or respond instead with "technically, I am a giant douchebag trying to get out of committing to an answer."
   

Mr. Etiquette hopes the rest of his readers had relationships were far less confusing than Matt P., and your Valentine's dates gave you the standard 10% holiday discount on their usual fees.  

Mr. Etiquette Man of the Month February 2008

Jack Nicholson uses Viagra to have threesomes

BANG Showbiz
Feb. 5, 2008 10:24 AM

Jack Nicholson takes Viagra to have threesomes.

The 70-year-old actor - who boasts over 2,000 sexual conquests with women - said he gets help in the bedroom when with more than one woman.

"I like to date a nice range of women each year, but I only use Viagra when I am with more than one," Nicholson said.

Really, Jack is a lock to win the honor this and every year until he chooses to leave this world. And yes, it will be his decision.

MSNBCLeaderboard_LIVE

Mr. Etiquette Man of the Month - January, 2008

INDIANAPOLIS —  David Colby was one of corporate America's most admired executives before he was abruptly fired last spring for what was vaguely described at the time as misconduct of a "non-business nature." Now details about his personal life are spilling out, and it's clear he was more than just Wall Street's darling.

In a cluster of lawsuits gathered up by The Associated Press, the former chief financial officer of health insurance giant WellPoint Inc. is depicted as a corporate Casanova — a world-class, love-'em-and-leave-'em sort of guy who romanced dozens of women around the country simultaneously, made them extravagant promises and then went back on his word with all the compassion of a health insurance company denying a claim.

One woman says Colby got her pregnant and harangued her via text message ("ABORT!!") to terminate the pregnancy. He also allegedly gave some of his girlfriends sexually transmitted diseases, and proposed to at least 12 women since 2005.

Mr. Etiquette particularly likes the ABORT! text message.  Always a classy move, he sends one of those out monthly to his entire phone book, just in case.

Ask Mr. Etiquette - January 29, 2008

Dear Mr.  É,  I have recently sparked a new love interest.  When I see her on the news or hear her on the radio, I hear the song "like a virgin" in my head and get a raging boner which I commence to flail uncontrollably regardless of my surroundings until I come to fruition and then start to bop the bean pole all over again.  This may happen several times a day.  I'm speaking of course about the beautiful, Hilary Clinton.  She's totally hot.  is it wrong for me to want to pursue my dreams of kicking Bill's ass and moving in with her and making sweet love the rest of our lives and having lots of little sheepskin juniors running around? I don't just want to be a "monica lewinski" to her.  I need the whole kit and kaboodle.  What is your advice?

Humpelsheepskin

Mr. Etiquette is very surprised by this question, Humpelsheepskin.  Not because of the attraction to Hilary, which Mr. Etiquette had assumed was very common among your demographic, but surprised by your being a female.  Mr. Etiquette had assumed you were a male all of these years, but that is what you get for casting assumptions about. 

Have no fear, your feelings are perfectly understandable and quite common among confused women of all ages.  This explains why Hilary is doing so well in the primary election, despite having a roughly -10% to 0% chance of winning an election.  It is common knowledge the only people who bother voting in primary elections are man-hating lesbians, perverts, degenerates, and other similar reprobates and scourges of society.

Mr. Etiquette Quiz of the Day January 22, 2008

What would it cost for you to cast your vote in the 2008 election for the candidate of someone else's choosing?  Assuming, of course, this type of action was legal.

Ask Mr. Etiquette January 17, 2007

domo arigato, Mr Roboto

Dear Mr Etiquette,
I recently heard a news report on a local radio show concerning the future of robot/human relationships. I unfortunately cannot remember the author's name but he was a bloke from England. He wrote a new book saying that within 20 years, humans will be having sex with robots because the look and feel of robots will be so similar to that of a human being. After almost crashing my car, I began to think about this quite a great deal. I called up a good friend and we pondered this topic. Hypothetically, if I were to have sex with a robot, female of course, would that be considered cheating if I were married? Generally, my thought would be no. Robot sex would fall in line with vibrators, blow up dolls & the good ol hand: masturbation. But if the robot really looked and felt human? I'm confused. Being that I'm gainfully employed in the field of technology, am I obliged to take a test drive?

Patiently waiting for a fembot

Patiently waiting, you have described the classic conundrum with new technology.  With every advance and the benefits provided, we must create new rules and standards of behavior for scenarios that did not yet exist.

Because this is 20 years out, you would want to start testing the boundaries right now.  This is the only way to establish where the line will be drawn with this technology that determines what is considered cheating and what is not.  Start with a simple piece of technology included in your sex acts, and progress to more advanced.  A good place to start would be having your wife catch you masturbating with your cell phone tucked under your balls.  If this is not an issue for her, next arrange for your wife to walk in and see you with your wang stuck in the VCR.  As a bonus for this one, you actually get some use out of that VCR buried in your closet.  Still no problems?  Escalate to the third level, having her catch you having intercourse with the Roomba.  Mr. Etiquette is not sure how this one works logistically, but you seem like a degenerate bastard, and should have no problem figuring out how to have sex with a robotic vacuum cleaner.

To gain the upper hand in this experiment, if your wife considers any of the steps to be cheating, move back to the previous step.  Then, have her catch you having a three way with her mother and best friend. (It can be either the wife's best friend or her mother's best friend, not really relevant at this point.)  Then, move up to the level she stopped you at with the electronic devices, and see if she still considers that cheating.

If none of these things are a problem for your wife and she does not consider them cheating, you should be fine with the robot.  And guess what?  You just set the standard for everyone, with the assistance of your friend Mr. Etiquette.  Whenever someone gets busted by their wife with a robot, they will say "P.W. does this all of the time, and his wife doesn't complain.  You just need to loosen up."  or "Mr. Etiquette addressed this issue today and said it is perfectly acceptable.  You are just afraid of technological advancement, why don't we just become Amish and get it over with."

And as a final piece of advice P.W., Mr. Etiquette hopes that Roomba action works out for you, because it is highly unlikely our society goes from nothing to a Jessica Alba lookalike fembot in a mere 20 years.   The action you get is going to look all C3PO, and is the only action you are going to get for a long time, after your wife catches you humping the VCR.